As parents, we want our kids to grow up with a strong connection to their faith, especially during the transformative teenage years. While many things may get in the way of that, spiritual abuse is one that we talk about the least.
Spiritual abuse is a difficult issue, especially when it comes to parenting. In a Muslim/faith context, spiritual abuse can mean using religious authority or teachings to control, shame, or guilt someone, which can be especially harmful for young people who are still forming their identities. When young people associate negative experiences with their faith, it can impact their relationship with their faith and harm their emotional and spiritual well-being. Here are a few pieces of advice for parents:
Recognize the Signs of Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse can be subtle, but there are key indicators to watch out for:
Fear-Based Teaching: If your child is frequently made to feel terrified of religious punishment or is constantly worried about “doing enough” to be loved by God, this could be a sign of fear-based spiritual abuse.
Shame and Guilt as Primary Motivators: If your child expresses feeling shame or guilt for simply being curious, having questions, or not meeting specific religious expectations, it’s worth looking into the source of these feelings.
Isolation and Dependency: If a religious leader or teacher encourages your child to depend solely on them for religious understanding and discourages other perspectives, this could be an attempt to control their faith journey.
Create an Open, Judgment-Free Space for Discussion
The most important thing you can do as a parent is to create a safe space where your child feels comfortable talking about their experiences, doubts, and questions regarding faith. Encourage open discussions by asking questions like, “How do you feel after learning that?” or “What do you think about this teaching?” This openness shows them that they can come to you with their thoughts and concerns without fear of judgment. Let them know it’s okay to question things and reassure them that genuine understanding and connection with faith come from a place of peace and love, not fear and guilt.
Emphasize the Compassionate Foundations of Islam
Islam, like many religions, has foundational teachings that prioritize compassion, mercy, and understanding. Remind your child of these aspects, so they don’t become overly focused on rules or punishment. When your child hears about Islam in a positive, nurturing way, they’ll begin to recognize the beauty and depth of their faith beyond any abusive or harsh teachings they may have encountered.
Monitor Their Religious Environment
If your child is learning Islam from external sources, like a mosque, religious school, or youth group, pay close attention to the teaching styles and messages they’re exposed to. Don’t be afraid to observe classes, ask questions about the curriculum, or speak to teachers about your child’s emotional well-being. If you notice or suspect a pattern of shame-based or fear-inducing messages, it may be time to discuss this with the instructor or consider alternative learning environments. Seek spaces where the focus is on building a positive relationship with faith through encouragement, love, and mutual respect.
Encourage Personal Exploration and Ownership of Faith
Encourage your child to explore Islam in their own way. Provide resources, like books, articles, or youth-friendly podcasts, that frame Islam in an empowering light. Encourage them to ask questions, explore different perspectives, and take the time they need to make sense of their beliefs. By supporting their autonomy, you’re showing them that faith doesn’t need to be something imposed on them; rather, it can be a source of personal strength and purpose. This sense of ownership makes it less likely they’ll feel pressured or manipulated by outside influences.
Equip Yourself with Knowledge
Educate yourself on the concepts of spiritual abuse, healthy religious practices, and positive youth development. Resources on Islamic parenting, such as “Parenting with Allah by My Side” by Samira Ahmed or “Raising God-Conscious Children” by Dr. Omar Suleiman, can help provide tools for nurturing a supportive, loving environment. If you feel your child could benefit from guidance outside the home, seek out mentors, teachers, or youth leaders who practice Islam with compassion and understanding. Look for mentors who focus on helping young people grow into well-rounded, empathetic, and ethical Muslims without enforcing fear-based tactics.
Seek Professional Support if Needed
If your child has been impacted by spiritual abuse, consider seeking support from a mental health professional or counselor experienced in working with faith-based issues. Muslim therapists or culturally competent counselors can help your child process their feelings and rebuild their relationship with Islam in a healthy, supportive way.
Spiritual abuse can be a challenging issue to navigate, but with a loving, supportive approach, you can help your child build a healthy relationship with Islam. By focusing on compassion, open communication, and personal exploration, you’ll empower them to experience Islam as a source of peace, guidance, and empowerment that stays with them throughout their lives. Remember, building a positive foundation now will help them carry their faith forward with strength and confidence